Monday, December 10, 2007

It all begins...

Written 12/10/07 - I am not sure that I am actually going to let anyone see this blog, but I need to quit hiding my shame in another bag of chips. Let me start with the statement...I have always struggled with my weight!! Even as a little girl. I remember in 5th grade...sitting around the classroom during recess (it was raining outside) talking with the popular kids. First of all I was thrilled that I was sitting with the popular kids. I felt out of my element to begin with. I wasn't a nerdy kid in school or a popular kid...I was just one of those kids that floats from group to group. You know how some kids just seem to have a friend here and there...that was me. I liked that. Anyways, back to my story. I was sitting with the popular kids and one of the girls...Jamie...asked everyone "who is the fattest kid in the 5th grade?" My friend Tammy named someone (I don't even remember who), and Jamie said "No, it is Carly." I don't know if anyone else thought that, but it was an extremely embarrassing and life-altering moment. I, even now, 2 days before my 30th birthday, think about that situation. I still am the "fat girl". I actually try to use the word chubby because now that I have a 5 year old daughter, who also struggles with weight, I am chosing the word chubby over fat. It sounds less threatening, less demeaning. I also remember in elementary school, getting a physical, and the doctor accussed me of stealing other kids lunches. He said I couldn't weight as much as I did eating the lunches that my mom was sending to school with me. Still, writing this, makes me feel so small and hurt. It is so painful to think of people criticizing others for their weight. I have tried many diets over the years...starting in junior high school when I started weight watchers for the first time. I don't remember it doing any good and just be so mortified when I had to go to the meetings at the Jewish Community Center. I continued to gain more and by the time I was in the middle of my junior year, I had reached 199 lbs. Again, my mom and I started weight watchers. This time I really wanted this. I worked so hard and got down to around 170 lbs. My senior year was awesome. I grew my hair out longer and was down 30 lbs. I still wasn't a size 6 or even an 8 for that matter, but I was cuter than I had been!! Away to college I went and began putting on the pounds. By the end I graduated from college I had reached my all time high of 233 lbs. One day, as I was doing a project and I was standing on a ladder, not bending at all...I could feel my back fat touching....YUCK!! It was the most horrible experience EVER!! I was so mortified. I really didn't think I was that fat until that moment. I told my parents we had to do something!! So again we started Weight Watchers. I did really well that time. I lost over 50 lbs. I was between 175 and 180 when I married the love of my life!! I felt beautiful...i still had weight to lose, but I was feeling energized, healthy, and very happy. I started having kids. The day of my delivery of my first baby, I weighed in at a horrible 286 lbs. I can't believe that I was that large...yes I was pregnant, but I had gained about 100 lbs. At one point, I had gained 19 lbs in 4 weeks. I got back down to 203 lbs after Ellie and then got pregnant again with Aeryn.. Not as bad this time, I put on about 45 lbs. Then there was this last pregnancy. I started out at 215 lbs and delivered at 245 lbs. I had only gained 30 lbs. I was thrilled...But I am stuck!! This morning I weighed 235.5 lbs. I gained 4 lbs, this week. I am SICK of BEING CHUBBY!! So I started a blog, a place to get out my feelings and record my successes as well as my trials!! I hope that this can be my final attempt at trying to lose weight. I CAN DO IT!!!! I want to be healthy and have the energy to enjoy my kids and be the mother that they need!! My promise is to report in everyday! I will do it!!

1 comments:

ExciteYourLife said...

Carly,

you have humbled me with your emotional and very honest words regarding the struggle you have endured with your weight and food. If you will allow me, I would love to assist you in your releasing your weight once and for all. There are a myriad of reasons for food cravings etc. I will discuss them all further in my blog.
Thanks for viewing my blog and trying out my beginner circuit routine!!

best wishes for a happy, healthy and encouraging 2008!!

Katie...(your sister Katie's aunt) :-)